Ethical Conflict: Four Things to Keep in Mind

Not “Just Business”

In an employer/employee situation, conflict is inevitable.  This is true because conflict is inevitable everywhere, no matter the relationship.  In a traditional employment setting, the extent of conflict usually has defined and agreed upon parameters.  For instance, if you are an employee involved in conflict with the manager or owner of a company, there will come a time when you as an employee will have clearly defined choices: quit, be fired, resolve by convincing of your position, or resolve by agreeing to give way.  In all of these choices, the ultimate solution lies in the nature of employer/employee relationships.  Namely, the employer has a clear and predetermined advantage.

What happens in other forms of relational conflict, though?  In church life, the difference is twofold.  

First, the vast majority of those serving under the umbrella of ministerial leadership are volunteers.  They do not receive financial income to do what they do, though they do receive a variety of other benefits and what some have called “internal compensation” or satisfaction.  Secondly, volunteers in church life are not simply “employees,” or tools that used to make a profit or to manufacture something, even if they are “paid staff”.  They are friends and family.  They are part of a community that Jesus Himself instituted called the Church, brought together by His design and command and functioning as His representatives.  It is much easier to be in conflict with an employee than with a friend or family member.  Yet, even in the realm of religious life, serious disagreements and conflicts can occur. 

The goal is not to avoid conflict (that is impossible and unhealthy).  Nor is the goal to simply solve a problem (remember, there are relationships involved with people who have grown to know and even love each other).  The goal in handling church conflicts is deeply rooted in relationship building and re-building in a way that keeps the person and work of Jesus Christ in clear focus.  Since the resolution to conflict in the more complicated environment of church life can be tricky, here are four key concepts to keep in mind.  Incidentally, these are concepts that do not come easily, and I myself still struggle with their implementation and have made many mistakes along the way.

1. Stay focused upon the issue at hand. It is easy (and unhealthy) to bite off more in the conflict than we can chew.  In other words, it is tempting to allow the particular conflict to become an excuse to go after bigger issues in a person’s character or habits.  This is sometimes called “demonizing” those in conflict with us.  For instance, an inappropriate encounter with someone that is troubling and needs to be addressed can easily become a temptation to engage in name-calling: “He is so tacky.”  “She always says the wrong thing.”  “She is so rude.”  “He is a mean-spirited person.”  In contrast to this, healthy conflict begins with the issue at hand: “I was hurt when you said those words to me, and I felt the timing was inappropriate and disrespectful.”  The generalizations we are tempted to make may indeed prove to be true, by the way.  However, addressing the bigger picture of someone’s character or habits best begins with seeking to deal with a clearly defined issue.

2. Do not allow unhealthy escalation of an issue – either from them or from you. Just because you are staying focused on the issue at hand does not mean the person you are in conflict with will.  This can be an opportunity for you to assert clear boundaries when the subject begins to drift, or when they seek to offer (usually out of defensiveness) a “counter-punch” toward you that seeks to shift the attention away from the real source of the conflict: “Oh, yeah? Well, I saw you walk past someone without even acknowledging them last week,” etc.  In that case, it is appropriate to say something like: “We are not addressing that particular issue at the moment.  I would be glad to address it after we address the current issue.”

3. Even if you are right, leave room for redemption.  Just as it is easy to become defensive and make excuses when we are in the wrong in a conflict, it is also easy to come down too hard on someone who is clearly in the wrong.  This is not to say that we should ignore or simply gloss over clear wrongdoing.  Rather, we are to confront harmful or abusive behavior honestly while still allowing opportunities for the person who has clearly wronged us to reconcile with us.  This is helpful even if the person who is clearly in the wrong does not choose to acknowledge being in the wrong.  In Matthew 18, Jesus instructs Christians about addressing areas of conflict and even areas of blatant wrongdoing by another.  We are to begin with one on one confrontation (in love); however, Jesus was aware of the tendency to defend in deny instead of confess.  Therefore, Jesus instructs believers to enlist the help of other, more objective parties, with the goal being that the action of the person is addressed honestly and the conflict does not simply become a battle of personalities (see Matthew 18:16, for instance).  It should be noted that even if several others affirm the wrongdoing of a party in a particular conflict, the goal is not to shame or demean the guilty party, but to encourage him and her to acknowledge their wrongdoing, to reconcile with the injured parties, and to once again reclaim their place as a healthy part of the Community of Faith (the Church).

4. Recognize that your ability to reconcile is limited. Forgiveness is an act of one person’s choice, but reconciliation involves the choice of all parties involved in the conflict.  Therefore, even if you have honestly confronted, left room for redemption, and have granted an invitation toward reconciliation, the other party or parties involved may still say no.  Part of being a healthy person is recognizing that when you genuinely done all you know to do, you have permission to allow the other person the freedom to make his or her choices.  The tendency of many of us is to over pursue, which sometimes translating into nagging.  Nagging and pressuring someone with whom we have conflict to “do the right thing” may be counter-productive once we have taken clear, biblical, love-centered steps toward making things right.  As already stated, we are still responsible for doing all that we can do, which often means admitting our own unhealthy role in part or all of the conflict.  Rarely is a conflict a one sided matter.  However, once we do that and have presented the issue as clearly as we can, we must allow for the possibility that true reconciliation may not happen soon or ever.

Conclusion: The More We Know

The more relationships we have, whether personal or professional, the more learn about conflict.  Conflict is not necessarily a negative or bad thing.  In fact, conflict can bring about growth in our relationships and in our own understanding of ourselves and God.  We learn humility, grace, and the incredible power of love as we engage others in a variety of ways – including times of conflict.  Sometimes we become a catalyst to long needed change by engaging in a conflict that should have been addressed long before we arrived on the scene.  At other times, our very presence invites a conflict that we and/or the organization we are part of needs.  Still, at other times, we simply make mistakes, and we need brothers and sisters in Christ around us to lovingly correct us and show us a better way.  Thankfully, there are many resources available, written by people skilled in these matters, and the more we know about these materials, the healthier we are likely to be when it comes to conflict.  Of course, the most immediate resources for us are often God-prompted moments when we approach a person in our lives and ask, “Can we talk?”