The Ethics of Forgiveness

Ruth Bell Graham, the wife of Billy Graham, once remarked that a good marriage is the union of two forgivers.  Given the flaws of human nature, it would be fair to say that any successful relationship that goes beyond the surface issues of life would also need people who are consistent practitioners of the art of forgiveness. 

Christianity’s Trademark

The late Huston Smith, world-renown writer in the area of comparative religion, was once asked to summarize the key emphases of major world religions.  When it came to Christianity, Smith without hesitation chose this word: “Forgiveness.”  All religions have teachings on forgiveness, and most encourage their followers to practice it.  However, Christianity at its very essence – given its views of humanity and God, for instance – is saturated with the idea of forgiveness, according to Smith. 

From the Book of Genesis account of Adam and Eve’s need for restorative forgiveness, to Israel’s wanderings, to the coming of Jesus Christ, whose “model prayer” (often called the Lord’s Prayer) in the Gospel of Matthew emphasizes not only our need for God’s forgiveness, but also God’s call to forgive others, Christianity’s promotion of forgiveness is a constant.

 

Unfortunately, though, it is a difficult art to practice.  It is also one of the more misunderstood elements of Christianity.  Is forgiveness a blanket pardon?  Does it excuse the wrongs that have been done? Is forgiveness the same things as reconciliation? Can we “forgive and forget”? 

If we are going to spend any amount of time in a deep relationship, personally or corporately (this includes church life!), we must become a union of consistent forgivers. Volumes have been written on this subject by very capable authors, and I recommend such writers.  My favorite writer on the subject (quoted below) is probably the late Fuller Seminary professor Dr. Lewis Smedes, whose book entitled Forgive and Forget? is a now classic summary of what it means to be a practitioner of consistent forgiveness.

Here are some theological and ethical aspects of forgiveness that continue to help me as I seek to be a follower of Christ, a good husband and father, and a pastor to a diverse group of people. 

Key Elements of the Art of Forgiveness

In his book, Forgive and Forget? [note the question mark!], Lewis Smedes sets our minds at ease right away: it is virtually impossible to forget a wrong done to us, but it is not impossible to forgive it!  How can this be, since every time we remember a hurt we find it easy to rehearse the initial pain that went along with it?  The first step, according to Smedes, is to recognize that forgiving is not tied to forgetting.  Furthermore, our remembering often requires us to, in his words, “rehearse forgiveness” over and over until we can at some point separate the person from the action and not allow the action to determine our feelings in the long run. 

Other key reminders about forgiveness:

1) Forgiveness does NOT pretend an action did not occur. Even in our Christian experience, God does not look at us and pretend we did not sin.  Instead, God says, “You have sinned, but I will not hold your sin against you.”  This is the whole truth of the good news that Christ brings.  We are indeed in need of a savior – of genuine forgiveness for sins we have really committed.  God does not live in a state of denial.  Rather, even in recognition of our sins, God allows His mercy and love to determine the relationship.  In other words, God knows and sees and even acknowledges actual wrongs, yet chooses love and forgiveness instead of abandonment and vengeance. 

2) Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. An illustration I have used with church members and with students goes like this.  If someone I knew and trusted stabbed me with a knife, and I had to be hospitalized, chances are that person would be arrested and even spend some time in jail.  Over time, as I heal from the wounds and he emerges from prison, there may be scars that remain, and I have choices to make:

 I can seek revenge (i.e., try to stab that person or at least try to make his life miserable for having stabbed me).  This option may give me some sort of short term relief, but it does not take away the initial pain.  Nor does it allow the relationship to move forward.  In fact, it allows a hurt from the past to set the direction for most of the rest of my life. 

Another option would be to pretend that nothing ever happened.  This may cause some immediate relief in regard to my not having to confront a difficult circumstance, but that person’s presence in my life means that those memories will return.  And, if I simply allow that person back into my life as if nothing ever happened, it could be dangerous for me and for the future of the relationship. Counselors call this approach “denial,” and it causes more long-term conflict, since those in denial not only battle the scars of the past, but also engage in an un-winnable internal struggle regarding their feelings and actions.

The best choice may be something like this:

Stabber: Have you forgiven me? I am sorry for what I have done.  I was very different then, and I have become a very different person with different responses.
Me: The stabbing hurt me in many ways.  It cost me time and energy in recovery, and I still have sad feelings about it. But yes, I have chosen to forgive you.  I would like to believe you when you say that in the future this will not happen again, and I choose not to hold that terrible past incident against you any longer.

Stabber: Can I borrow your pocket knife?
Me: No, I am not ready for that.
Stabber: I thought you forgave me!
Me:  I did, but we are not at a place of trust yet.  The last interaction I had with you ended terribly and was injurious to me and to my trust in you.  I want to believe you when you say you are different now, and I will be watching and hoping that what you say is true.  You do not have to be perfect, but I do need to see that we can establish a relationship of trust.  My goal one day is to be able to hand you my pocket knife without any kind of fear or distrust, but that day will take time.  Let’s work together on it.  I will do all I can to provide avenues of rebuilding trust, and it would help me if you could recognize that I need some time and some evidence.

In the above scenario, there is true recognition of the wrong done, there is a choice to forgive instead of seek revenge, and there is an open door for long-term reconciliation.  The forgiveness and not seeking revenge part is a personal choice that involves the party who was wronged.  This aspect of forgiveness does not depend upon anything that the perpetrator of the wrong has done (though in my scenario above, the perpetrator is repentant and wants to be forgiven).  This scenario also demonstrates a willingness to reconcile and to regain trust that has been lost. 

Like Christ Himself, we are called to create open doors and opportunities for reconciliation where possible.  We cannot guarantee that those who have harmed us and betrayed our trust will walk through those doors.  However, we are called to do what we can to find opportunities where possible. 

What if They Don’t Want to Reconcile?

Often people who harm us have no interest in reconciling with us.  We are not responsible for this.  God does not call us to take responsibility for the choices of others, but we are responsible for our own choices.  Forgiveness is a way of taking responsibility for what we can control without letting what we cannot control dominate us.  Reconciliation is a beautiful thing that can even bring long term strength and intimacy to a relationship.  However, reconciliation requires both sides seeking to establish or re-establish trust over a period of time.  Those who choose not to reconcile with us can haunt us, unless we consistently remind ourselves that we can forgive: we are not bound to relive or repay the wrongs done to us.  Even those with whom we have reconciled can remind us of times when we were the recipient of harm at their hands.  These instances are the opportunities to “rehearse forgiveness,” in the words of Smedes, by reminding ourselves and, when necessary, them that not only has God wiped away the debt, but so have we.  And when this process becomes difficult for any reason – and it usually does – God Himself has promised to take up the slack for us!  He has done that for us, so that we can do so for others.  Thanks be to God.